Revised script

As you can see from the new script below, there is a slight change in structure, but the additions/cuts are not too drastic, they simply shorten the train scene and include more information about the staging/actions, whilst some of the script has been re-written or cut.

Have you ever done something you know you shouldn’t?

Stand up/comedy routine style.

Have you ever done something you know you shouldn’t?  We all do it, I do it all the time. The first time I realised I was doing something I shouldn’t happened at when I was at school. I was sitting in an assembly, you know what it’s like, the person at the front is banging on about something and you’re bored when suddenly, out of nowhere, this voice pops into my head and says ‘what’s to stop me from saying something or shouting out loud? Nothing.’ I don’t have turrets or anything, but it kind of feels that way. The more I think about trying to ignore it, the worse the gremlin in my head gets. ‘Shout something rude’ says the gremlin who’s trying to take over all rational thought. I don’t want to shout anything rude. ‘Well just shout something. Anything. What’s stopping you? Do it. Go on, shout say something, anything.’ No. I don’t want to. ‘Do it, go on do it shout something rude, or say something, anything...’ SHEEP! I didn’t actually shout anything, I’ve managed to get the gremlin under control so far.

He doesn’t come into my head all the time, but when he does it’s like a war going on inside my head! I’d like to say it’s like having that heaven and hell angel on my shoulders, but it’s not quite as religious. Then I realised what it was after reading the book, have you ever read Jekyll and Hyde? Well it’s Hyde who is trying to get into my head, the repressed person im trying to conceal is trying to get out and have a voice. Sometimes he disguises himself as rational thought, or a good idea, and I have to try and see through his disguise. It comes into my head at the most random times, like when I’m watching a really bad play and I’m bored. Out of the blue he creeps into my brain and I’m fighting it again, but it gets harder to fight him the more I deny him.

An example is when I went to Paris, I’ve only ever been once and I did the Eiffel tower. I don’t like heights at the best of times, but I went right to the top, and the view was gorgeous. But he turned up and made me think, yeah, I can scale that fence, jump over. Jump off the Eiffel Tower!? It’s like at the top of the cliff, I don’t want to die, I just want to jump off. Hell, I’m not suicidal, I just want to jump off to see what it feels like.

But I’ve discovered that if let Hyde win now and again, it is easier to keep him under control. So I let him win on the small things so I don’t go jumping off of cliffs or shouting Bomb on a plane but...

The most recent time I let Hyde win was, do you know when you get cold callers? Well I kept getting the same company phoning me every day. They were selling me the most expensive and fancy conservatory ever, so I managed to keep the woman talking for just under an hour, expressing my interest in oak frames and double glazing with venetian blinds. She even had me interested in a solar panel. I could almost hear the pound signs ringing in her eyes on the other end of the phone. But she didn’t find it amusing when I asked her if they fit them to second floor flats!

Another time was last Christmas. Do you remember we had all that snow? Everywhere in England had this much snow and managed to keep things moving but London had this much and came to a standstill. Well I was going home for Christmas on the train and because of the snow there were only 4 trains running that day. I managed to get on one, it was busy! I got a seat but I felt guilty because I noticed there were people in the compartments between the trains, so I offered my seat to an elderly lady, that’s right, I’m something of a gentleman. Ladies, form an orderly queue! So I was stood for most of the journey.

Then as we set off this family about 12 comes from the other carriage. I thought they were looking for empty seats, but they had found their ticketed seats and started demanding people sat in them move. I wouldn’t have minded but the guy who seemed to be in charge was a dick. These were proper upper middle class people with double barrelled surnames, called Tarquin, Humphrey, Penelope and Felicity. I thought, yeah, let the kids sit down but don’t demand your seats, we’re all on the same journey and you’re carting some old people out of their seats, stand for a bit you lazy sod! But no, the old people went off to find other seats and they got their seats imitating posh voice ‘that we have reserved so we fully expect to sit in them.’ They had 3 empty seats so I asked if they’d give them up because there are old people without seats. They said ‘we have booked these seats so we shall use them as we see fit.’

Just before I got off the train I saw Humphrey put his Ipad at the top of his suitcase. It was in a soft case, it was right next to me. All I had to do was open the zip and slide it out, nobody would notice. It would teach him a lesson. And I really wanted an Ipad. Then I realised that if I had the ipad I might end up as upper class and snobby as he is so when I pulled mine from the top shelf, Hyde ‘accidentally’ dropped my suitcase onto where his ipad was. Oops!

But I learnt the hard way that if I repress Hyde for too long, well, that’s what brings me to where I am now.

I’d been on a night out with the lads. Nothing special, just a night out with the vague hope that I might get lucky and end up in a different bed to my own. And as a result of that night I’m here.

Sat behind a desk. Serious, NOT stand-up anymore.

Chetwynd. C-H-E-T-W-Y-N-D. Pause

Andrew. Pause

16, look why am I even....?.... 16 november 1987. Pause

 47 Ramsgate, Louth, Lincolnshire, LN110NF. Pause

Yes. Pause

Yes. Pause

What? Of course not. Pause. Why the hell do you think!? I’ve already told you! Pause. Yes.

Pause What!? What!? You’re going to charge me with racial abuse after everything he’s done!?  What that man has gotten away with? He’s.....well you should have....that man was supposed to be locked away for....

Pause  Well when the fucker gets out of hospital you can ask why I put him in there! Flip table in absolute anger and frustration

Back to the comedy routine/stand-up Style

One of my earliest memories is of my mum crying. She came to an assembly when I was about 4 for all the mums and dads to watch. All the kids took it in turns to say what they wanted if they had one wish. They all said in a mocking childs voice ‘I want to be a popstar’, ‘I want to be a footballers’ or ‘I want to be princess Barbie’, and all the parents would say imitating hysterical mum ‘Aaaw, thats my little girl’ or Imitating overly macho dad ‘Go on son, we’ll make a Wayne Rooney out of you my boy!’ You know what I wished for that made mum cry? And you know what I wished for every birthday and Christmas since I remember? For my brother to be able to walk, and to get better.

Dance imitating someone who has very little control over their body and can only move when they physically place their limbs where they need to be.

It would make going on the Underground a lot easier. I wouldn’t have to translate for him so people can understand. I wouldn’t have to help him to the toilet. I might have been an uncle. Stops dance but falls gradually to the floor to end up on knees. Spotlight again.

 Apparently I called the guy a nigger. Now I know you’re sitting there thinking that I’m a bad person for using the N-word. But honestly, I don’t remember much of what happened that night. I barely drank anything, so I wasn’t under the influence. The last thing I remember was seeing his face jeering and laughing at me from the other side of the room. Then something took over me. I thought I’d got rid of Hyde for good, but he’d just been sitting there waiting for the right moment and this was it...

Dance interpretation of assault with loud music behind (Between Stars by Underworld (DeaDawn remix)). During this the speech is interrupted by a 16 beat dance routine that is repeated. He was standing there. How did he have the cheek? He knew who I was when he saw me. And he laughed. He just laughed and asked how my brother was. This man should be behind bars, but he got let off because of lack of evidence. Dance. He had gotten away with raping and sexually abusing my disabled brother when he was supposed to be his fucking carer. His favourite place was when he took Paul swimming. My brother has cerebral palsy. He’s a retard. A crip. A dowy. A spaz. A tool. A drooler. So when I warned him to leave and he laughed at me and called me a spastic, I took a step back and let Hyde have nine rounds in the ring. And he fucking relished it. Dance. Hyde had free reign for the first time and he took full advantage of it. I don’t know why it’s called a red mist descending, its more like blind fury and hatred. Hyde was pure evil, like the devil himself had taken over my body. Every offensive word I’d ignored had come back with a kick and a punch and a bite and a scratch. This is from the retards of the world. This is for the spastics and the dowies and the spackers and the crips.

Stop music and the dance.

So forgive me if i’m a little touchy when it comes to disabled discrimination. Someone told me off for being so offended by the word spastic, sure imitating voice ‘disabled discrimination doesn’t happen that much anymore’. But neither does racism and there’s still massive hang ups about that. That’s why I called the guy a nigger. I’m not a racist, but I knew that I could get a reaction out of him that was the same for me with Spastic or Retard. If my brother was born 40 years ago he’d have been locked away because of who he is. Would you? And he can’t stand up and defend himself in the same way you can if someone is racist to you in the street. Move chair and pick up beer. Sits on chair and downs beer, acting very drunk and falling to the floor. Barely in control of your own body, slurred speech and a brain that hardly functions....  Sobers up. That’s what he feels like all the time.

I hate the way you talk sometimes,

Your speech is always slurred.

I hate the way you crawl around,

I hate that you can’t learn.

I hate your stupid special boots,

Why can’t you just be fine?

I hate it when you look at me,

Like all the fault is mine.

I hate that all the lights are on

But there’s no-one in upstairs

I hate that you’ll spend all your life

Stuck in that wheelchair

I hate when people stare at you,

I hate you can’t be fixed.

By pills or treatment or voodoo shit

My god I get so pissed

I hate though you’re the oldest,

That I look after you.

Sometimes I just can’t bear it but

I know this much is true,

I hate it when I’m not around

For you my brother Paul

But mostly I hate the way I don’t hate you,
not even close…
not even a little bit…
not even at all.

Video of Paul saying thank you.