Thank You Speech Excercise

Thank You

I would first of all like to thank my mum for seeing the worst possible situation in any given circumstance. As you may know from my accent, i’m from a little town up north and my mum hasn’t really left it. So when I got a letter from a University in London requesting an interview, she didn’t say well done or be careful. Instead she said ‘Well when you get on the train, make sure you don’t stand near anyone with a rucksack!’ Thanks.

To my brother, thanks for giving me a complex about my weight. The first time you called me ‘fatboy’ was affectionate at 5 years old. 18 years later, thanks to you, I can’t go near a mars bar and my idea of a horror film is ‘Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.’

Thanks to my dog Patch for ever failing to make me laugh. I swear that dog knows he’s funny. Like the time we went for a walk and I forgot the poop a scoop bags. Stupidly I verbalised this thought and he proceeded to take a crap right next to a squad car with two policemen sat inside. It’s OK, I don’t wear that scarf anymore.

Thanks to my dad, whoever, wherever you are, for being a complete fucking coward and running away at the slightest glimpse of hard work. You’re a good male role model. And for the receding hairline, cheers.

Thanks to my English Literature teacher at school. You’ve been one of the biggest inspirations in my life, and you’ve made me appreciate the importance of wearing deodorant.

To my Drama teacher, how the hell you made me want to do drama at university is beyond me. But if there’s one thing that i’ll always remember it is that the social and political reasoning behind Brecht has something to do with your Grandmother’s homemade bloody JAM!!

I mustn’t forget my friends, thank you for deleting many a video of me that should never have been created, for making me believe when I was about 12 that ‘sodomite’ was an affectionate term for ‘good friend’, for kidnapping me on my birthday and making me think that i was genuinely going to be killed (seriously, they didn’t tell me they were going to do it and turned up whilst i was walking down the road and got out of a car with guns and balaclava’s on and putting a bag on my head, bundling me into a car!), for ruining my 20-20 vision with a bottle of 2 litre coca-cola, for “accidentally” filling my car with carbon monoxide, that’s 3 days of my life i’ll ever get back, for stealing my clothes whilst i was swimming, and finally, for making me appreciate my truly natural talent and gymnastic ability by bundling me into a locker for 45 minutes.

And finally, to my neighbours, thanks for the 2 hours sleep last night. I appreciate it is valentine’s day but could you please keep it down next time?